Alzheimer’s-friendly holidays

ALZHEIMER’S, YOUR PARENTS AND HOLIDAYS


Radio personality Francene Marie hosts this power-chat with me and Katherine Lambert.

Gobs of tips for happier holidays with Loved Ones living with Alzheimer’s.

(Link to recording is below the photo.)

 L to R, Katherine Lambert, CEO Western NC Alzheimer's Association, Barbara Ivey, Author and Alzheimer's Kid, Francene Marie, Radio Personality
L to R, Katherine Lambert, CEO Western NC Alzheimer’s Association, Barbara Ivey, Author and Alzheimer’s Kid, Francene Marie, Radio Personality

Accepting an Alzheimer’s-friendly holiday

ALZHEIMER’S, YOUR PARENTS AND NEW REALITIES


Will Dad ever concede? 

These days Dad is a sapling in an ice storm, twig-thin and stooped under his burdens.  Meanwhile, Alzheimer’s has appropriated Mom’s remaining joys.  

For five grueling days at Thanksgiving, Mom’s adult day program closes for the holidays.  On our call,  Dad sounds close to surrender.

To clear his head, Dad takes Mom for a walk in the backyard.  Mom trips, falls and sprains her knee.   The strain of loading a confused and hurting Mom into the car, coaxing her through a medical exam, and pleading with her to wear the knee brace is like a garden hose to the face.

Dad begins Mom’s application to a Memory Unit.  

A true romantic, Dad schedules Mom’s admission for January 15th, imagining a final family Christmas.  The dream passes quickly, and Dad awakens to the truth:  This Christmas is unique from all Christmases past.

Mom, to her credit, has done everything she can to help us see what suits her Christmas celebration best, given her advancing Alzheimer’s.  Mom wants to be home. Mom prefers quiet.  Mom’s is calmest in her routine.

After so many years of resistance, Dad surrenders.  We plan Christmas around what is best for Mom.   Dad decides they will stay at their home, in NC.  House guests being more than either can manage, Dad confides that my company, in small doses only, would be welcome.  Randy and I tally our hotel points and book a room nearby.      

Dad insists that the grandchildren enjoy Christmas at their own house ninety miles away.  My sister Diane invites my husband’s parents to join them.

And like that, the Acceptance Christmas plans are settled.

Up the mountain in NC with my parents, we take a fresh approach to Christmas. Dad, Randy and I calibrate all Christmas activities to Mom.  Christmas eve at home.  A duet of carols, my part with words, Mom’s part a hum.

It is a very merry Christmas.  Calm and bright. 

When your Loved One needs more care than they get at home

ALZHEIMER’S, YOUR PARENTS AND THEIR DECISIONS


“How did your annual physical go, Dad?”

“Dr. T. says I lost 50 pounds.”

I take a deep breath.  “Since last year?” I ask.

“Yes.”

Fifty pounds?  Dad was already skinny.  Did he even have that much weight to spare?  That’s why his belt was cinched so tight last time I saw him.

Refocusing on the conversation, I dig deeper.  “And what did Dr. T. say about that?

“He said that I need to make a change,” Dad explains.  “He says that it’s my responsibility to care for Mom, and that I can only do that if I take care of myself first.”

 I take a deep breath in.  “So what are you thinking?”

 “It’s time to look for a Memory Care Facility for your Mom.”

I exhale. 

After all these years. After all my other-than-perfect efforts to support my Dad – I have finally learned a few things.  I learned that ultimately, Dad will make all the decisions about Mom’s care himself.  I learned that there are better uses of my energy than trying to speed Dad toward a decision before he was ready.  My opportunity was to grow my patience and my compassion, as I learned to work on Dad’s timeline. 

Has your Alzheimer’s Caregiver finally agreed to accept help with caring for your Alzheimer’s Loved One?   If not, what role can you play in encouraging this, without forcing their hand?  By letting the Alzheimer’s Caregiver arrive to this conclusion on their own time, you may find that you will have grown in your own unique ways, too.